last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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