I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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