we have pet lesbian snakes
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just pee around me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
