oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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