We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
