Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
