Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
