OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
