Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
