i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
