Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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