dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
