once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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