something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
