I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
