If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
