I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
