My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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