my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
