some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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