you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
