When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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