My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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