I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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