Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
