my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
