Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
