i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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