so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
