just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
