My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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