I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
