Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
