you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
