Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Someone came in the potted fern
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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