if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
