my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
