beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
