So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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