I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
