he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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