His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
