he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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