well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
