You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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