new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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