I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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