so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
