Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
