What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
