I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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