I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
