So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
