i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
