Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
