One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
