Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
