He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i now understand why vodka
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
