My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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