I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
as a side note pls kill me
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