I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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