Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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