I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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