Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
