Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
